Comparing movies across genres is difficult, and probably not even fair. Most importantly, everything through Fury gets a thumbs up.
- The Grand Budapest Hotel
- Under the Skin
- The Theory of Everything
- The Imitation Game
- Gone Girl
- The Lego Movie
- John Wick
- American Sniper
- Guardians of the Galaxy
- Edge of Tomorrow
- I, Frankenstein
Han Solo: It’s the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs…
Nerd: Mr. Solo, isn’t a parsec a unit of distance?
Solo: Yes, it’s about 3.26 light years.
Nerd: Then how does it make any sense to brag about your ship because of a distance it travelled?
Solo: You see, Tommy—
Solo: Whatever. Traveling through space is like driving from your house to a nearby store. You can’t just go in a straight line. There are things to avoid, like houses.
Nerd: …and cows.
Solo: Sure. Staying on the road allows you to avoid running into these things, but there are many routes that you can take. Let’s look at this helpful visual aid.
Solo: Here are three routes that you can take, outlined in orange, red, and blue. There is an unlimited number of potential routes you could take, and all will get you from your house to the store, but the orange one is clearly shorter than the other two.
Nerd: What’s this got to do with space? There are no roads there, so you don’t have any houses to run into.
Solo: Well, there are things like planets and in the case of the Kessel Run, there is the Maw Black Hole Cluster, which would kill you if you got too close. The big ships would plug their destination into their Universal Positioning System, which would probably give them a route like the red or blue one. But the Millennium Falcon has a navigation system, which I built, to give me an even shorter route, that still won’t get me sucked into a painful death. It’s like if you built a GPS that had twice as many roads as the standard models.
Nerd: Can I fly your ship?
Nerd: Your wife is hot.
Solo: I know.
“I remember I was a high school student when I asked myself, ‘Why am I cheering for my high school football team? I don’t know anyone on it… Why do I care if they win or some guy a couple blocks away wins?’” – Noam Chomsky
“You play to win the game.” – Herm Edwards
It was a school night, but I remember staying up to watch Darius Kasparaitis score that game-winning overtime goal. It has been over a decade since, but I still watch sports a few nights a week. Every newspaper has a section devoted to them, there are multiple TV channels devoted to single leagues, and don’t even get started on the online coverage. But why? Why do so many people invest so much time, money, and emotion into sitting and watching other people play a game?
I started thinking about this question about a year ago, and there are many people who don’t understand sports or their fans who are also curious. So here is my attempted explanation of what most people, both sports fans and non-sports fans alike, miss: The difference between what we think sports are and what they actually are.
The Magnetism of Sports
I failed for years to understand how people could enjoy studio wrestling. Like most who shared my confusion I thought this was because wrestling is fake, but it is not ‘fake’ so much as it is ‘scripted.’ That adjective change helped me realize that it does not diminish the entertainment value even if somebody does know how the tale will end. Wrestling is not a sport. It is an aggressive, sweaty acting performance.
Nobody has ever turned to a friend and said, “You know that’s all fake. His friends don’t really call him Forrest Gump. Oh so now he’s just going to run across America? How can you even watch this?” The movie is clearly not real life, but like the guy yelling his head off at the wrestling match, we willingly buy into the illusion. Wrestling matches in which guys actually hit each other in the face with chairs would draw much lighter crowds.
Unlike they do for sports, no local news broadcast dedicates a nightly block of time to movies, music, TV shows, theater, or video games. We separate sports from these other forms of entertainment because they somehow feel different. They are not. Athletes are not actors, and sports involve real athletes playing unscripted games that could lead to physical injury. However, in the same way that wrestling matches and movies are not less entertaining because someone knows the ending, sports are not more entertaining because no one knows the ending. The only thing that matters to the entertainment value is that the viewer does not know the outcome.
The Illusion of Sports
One side effect of ESPN looking so much like CNN is that people think the news and sports are equally real, rather than one being entertainment. We feel emotion over fictional stories too, cough Ned Stark cough, but because it is a movie or TV show we can better compartmentalize and prevent it from negatively affecting the rest of our lives.
No matter how much it seems like the people in the upper deck are enjoying themselves, they will never feel as much pride in a victory as the players on the field. No matter how they act, we can only enjoy, truly enjoy, something that we have dedicated the hours to understanding. Clearly this couple is doing something right:
I know nothing about ballet. So while I can sit here in amazement, I suspect that I am failing to truly appreciate the finer points of what I just watched (or of violin or wine glasses). What they are doing is on a level so far above our heads that there is little illusion that we could ever do what they just did. But everybody has played catch at some point, so when we watch a football game we think from time-to-time, “That’s not so tough. I could probably complete a few passes if I was out there.” Now watch this video (specifically 2:37 to the end):
Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Matt Stafford is at an en-pointe-on-a-dude’s-head level, but clearly most people could not do that. The illusion that we could, which is even stronger in baseball or golf, decreases our level of awe and makes both sports fans and non-sports fans think that we know what is happening on that field. We don’t have a damn clue.
Michael Jordan = Jimi Hendrix
The payoff of learning an instrument is not the time spent practicing in isolation. The payoff comes when you attend a concert or a jazz festival where you meet other people who enjoy playing and listening to music like you. If you could learn an instrument, but were never allowed to play it for someone else, the number of people who played would decrease dramatically. Some people would learn to play regardless (nobody reads this blog, but I write it), but there is a reason people spend a great deal more time playing guitars than they do playing solitaire.
Given the choice between watching a band perform their music live or listening to a recording where the songs are flawless every time, it’s obvious where the bigger crowd would be. Nobody wonders why people go to concerts because there is no disillusion that music is about being the best musician. Likewise, nobody thinks science fiction is about having the best costume at Comic Con. Sports, on the other hand, always have a final score. This fools sports fans, non-sports fans, and Herm Edwardses alike into thinking that sports is about being the best, and that being the best is about winning the game.
What most fail to grasp—or willingly suspend their understanding of—is that the best team very rarely wins the championship. The best team and the winning team are completely different concepts, yet the illusion they are the same persists. Remove that illusion and we see that the people who attend jazz festivals, who are in a book club, and who go to Comic Con are the same as sports fans.
Why We Actually Play (and Root)
Entertainment and pastimes are all about shared experience. You see, if most people had to go to a football game by themselves and sit alone, they would not go. They would not care if their team won 500 games in a row. Why? Sports are not about winning, and being a sports fan is not about sports. For a few nerds like me sports fandom is about learning statistics and probability. For coaches, players, and guys with telestrators it is about the challenge of how to defend LeBron James or Peyton Manning. But for everyone, being a sports fan is about spending time with friends and family.
All fandom—of sports, movies, wrestling, cooking, playing the xylophone, even philately—is about forming a connection over a mutual interest that people have spent years doing… and doing together. Every one of those activities will bring people together and make a few people happier, which is what a pastime is all about. Most people at a college football game are not there for the game, they are there because their friends are there.
The key part of the moment below is not the kid you are looking at. It is that every single one of the seats behind him is filled with somebody having a good time—maybe not as much as him, but still. The joy of these people has very little to do with the football game. In some parallel world, that same scene is being played out at a ballet. Their joy comes from the fact that they are all participating in fandom together. Sure, any of those people could have spent their Saturday night practicing guitar, but they were probably happier being with their friends.
- The sun cannot be up.
- All of your lights must be off.
- The volume must be up (headphones are preferable).
- Being alone is also preferable.
- Antichrist (everything sans joy)
- [rec] (creepy)
- High Tension (creepy)
- The Human Centipede (repulsive)
- Cannibal Holocaust (repulsive)
- Cabin Fever (gross/hilarious)
- The Devil’s Rejects (watch out for that truck)
- Three… Extremes (creepy)
Watching Day play through the video game Amnesia or Amnesia Justine is also a free, scary, and fun way to spend a few hours.
How much time do you spend each day not with a television, computer, radio, or phone? Probably not much, because if you haven’t noticed, electricity is everywhere.
I have always rejected the notion that reading is a superior form of entertainment to movies or television. Reading is certainly underrated and underdone, but there is something different about watching events unfold in your minds’ eye and literally watching them acted out with your eyes.
There is this story called Les Misérables. I am told the book is good. I saw the film and it is good.
But I saw it again live on stage, and it blew me away. Not so much because of the story, but of how underappreciated theater is. I have been to a few other live shows. You pay $50 to sit in the cheap seats. And they are fucking awesome. Every one of them.
These shows are incredibly entertaining to people like you and me from beginning to end. People give them well-deserved ten-minute standing ovations. When is the last time you saw a movie that would have justified that?
I find it difficult to imagine what an incredible experience shows like these must have been for people before television and YouTube. Before you could talk to someone in Bangladesh instantly. Before Subway and Ford were trying to bash your skull in with commercial after stupid commercial.
Before electricity—the vast majority of human existence—none of this 24/7 entertainment was an option. But in today’s world we have lost the realization that there are better ways to spend our time than sitting in front of a television. We also do not realize that the large majority of television shows are simply not worth our time. Sure they are good in comparison to each other, but bar is set so low it’s depressing.
I am not against movies or television, they benefit us in so many ways, but not if we cut out important stuff to sit on the couch and watch the tube for five hours a day. Our brains are so oversaturated by entertainment we are now on the continuum from rationality to zombie.
When you know that they are going to catch the bad guy in this episode of Law and Order, but you sit there and watch it anyway… that should scare the hell out of you. We do not want to stop though, because if we cut the shitty entertainment out we are left with a lot of time to do… something. And we don’t want that, because it might be… hard.
You can even cheat a little bit and go to Khan Academy. Learn something about biology. It might take a while and be difficult! But next week when you are at the gym, you will remember something cellular respiration. And that is time well spent.
It is by eliminating the constant presence of television, movies, and smartphones in our lives that we will actually learn to appreciate them. To realize how incredible these things really are and how much they can enhance our lives, rather than letting them waste the limited time we have.
Nobody on their deathbed ever said they wished they had watched another episode of Friends. Plenty have regretted not taking part in a real life version of it.